Bird Flu over the cuckoo's nest
Madness strikes the DH1 3-- postcode region as bird flu lands in the UK. Veterinary tests performed by vets have confirmed that a dead heron found on land at Ustinov College was infected by the deadly HBU7QT2 viral strain. The well traveled psychopathogen was first discovered in China as Avian Influenza, this later mutated to Bird Influenza in Thailand before metamorphosing into the significantly smaller Bird Flu in Turkey. From that point it has flapped its way across Europe, and it was only a matter of time before it nested in the UK. Bio-scientists predict a pandemic epidemic amongst humans if the virus becomes abbreviated to Flu. And so for the last few months Britain has been laying eggs each time a dead bird or duck was discovered. According to the RSPB, who have been observing with their beady eyes, these deaths have been due to “electricity cables, air guns, transparent windows, cats, aerial dog fights, fowl play and natural causes.”
However, at a rushed and crushed emergency press conference, DEFRA’s unofficial (and soon to be unemployed) spokesman Roger Urquhart said: “Fears were unfounded until we found the dead heron. It is now right to join with me in a controlled panic.” And panic we did. Within hours, South Road and surrounding Durhill were a busy bee hive of activity. Van Mildert College led the way by accelerating existing plans to have a mass duck cull on the lake. Guns were deemed to be too inefficient and loud, and therefore a giant yellow digger was used to pulverise the lake life. Slaughter of the postgraduate students who first discovered the heron was deemed illegal under law. Instead the door code of Elvet Riverside’s postgrad study centre was changed to 07734, to prevent unwanted undergrad-postgrad mixing.
Britain’s spirit in the face of adversity was in evidence as blame was quickly and arbitrarily established. A mob of disgruntled citizens accompanied by placards soon surrounded the emergency HQ erected on the Science site. In the words of protestor Anna Falactic: “I’m in shock. The RSPB are meant to protect us from the birds, right? Well the other day I spotted a blue tit in my garden, obviously the birds have escaped from the RSPB’s custody. I haven’t trusted the organisation since my car radio got nicked at Snettisham nature reserve.” The full brunt of the crowd’s naïve anger and a breezeblock were unleashed on a passing geology lecturer who bore a striking resemblance to Bill Oddie. The breezeblock soon removed the resemblance and teeth of the professor.
To quell the unrest, a public meeting was given by a watery eyed and hoarse voiced Roger Urquhart: “The doubly airborne virus can be avoided by not catching it. As Alfred Hitchcock still hasn’t returned my call, I’ve asked the RSPB to suggest ways to control and ultimately recapture all birds. An important step in this process is to reduce the birds’ superpower of flight which gives them the upper hand/wing over us mere mortals.” A number of options to keep birds from taking off were presented via PowerPoint including: a network of nets, floating scarecrows and a temporary increase in the local gravity field. From the back of the room a heckle was raised: “You’re not going to fiddle with my little g, thank you very much. If you ask me (and you haven’t) the best solution is self-destructing tigers with an insatiable appetite for birds.” This idea was deemed silly.
The local residents and unlocal students left the meeting safe in the knowledge that the governing authorities have lots of ideas. On the way out, essential supplies and Vitamin C tablets were distributed to prevent mass public infectation. A shortage of bio-gas masks led to the unprecedented decision to prioritise distribution to asthma suffers and the super-morbidly obese, who with their deep breathing have double the risk of airborne infection. Next in line were women as they tend to talk more than men. Next were men, and finally children because of their reduced lung capacity and shorter height. Apart from saliva, the question on everybody’s lips is “How long until this is over?”
However, at a rushed and crushed emergency press conference, DEFRA’s unofficial (and soon to be unemployed) spokesman Roger Urquhart said: “Fears were unfounded until we found the dead heron. It is now right to join with me in a controlled panic.” And panic we did. Within hours, South Road and surrounding Durhill were a busy bee hive of activity. Van Mildert College led the way by accelerating existing plans to have a mass duck cull on the lake. Guns were deemed to be too inefficient and loud, and therefore a giant yellow digger was used to pulverise the lake life. Slaughter of the postgraduate students who first discovered the heron was deemed illegal under law. Instead the door code of Elvet Riverside’s postgrad study centre was changed to 07734, to prevent unwanted undergrad-postgrad mixing.
Britain’s spirit in the face of adversity was in evidence as blame was quickly and arbitrarily established. A mob of disgruntled citizens accompanied by placards soon surrounded the emergency HQ erected on the Science site. In the words of protestor Anna Falactic: “I’m in shock. The RSPB are meant to protect us from the birds, right? Well the other day I spotted a blue tit in my garden, obviously the birds have escaped from the RSPB’s custody. I haven’t trusted the organisation since my car radio got nicked at Snettisham nature reserve.” The full brunt of the crowd’s naïve anger and a breezeblock were unleashed on a passing geology lecturer who bore a striking resemblance to Bill Oddie. The breezeblock soon removed the resemblance and teeth of the professor.
To quell the unrest, a public meeting was given by a watery eyed and hoarse voiced Roger Urquhart: “The doubly airborne virus can be avoided by not catching it. As Alfred Hitchcock still hasn’t returned my call, I’ve asked the RSPB to suggest ways to control and ultimately recapture all birds. An important step in this process is to reduce the birds’ superpower of flight which gives them the upper hand/wing over us mere mortals.” A number of options to keep birds from taking off were presented via PowerPoint including: a network of nets, floating scarecrows and a temporary increase in the local gravity field. From the back of the room a heckle was raised: “You’re not going to fiddle with my little g, thank you very much. If you ask me (and you haven’t) the best solution is self-destructing tigers with an insatiable appetite for birds.” This idea was deemed silly.
The local residents and unlocal students left the meeting safe in the knowledge that the governing authorities have lots of ideas. On the way out, essential supplies and Vitamin C tablets were distributed to prevent mass public infectation. A shortage of bio-gas masks led to the unprecedented decision to prioritise distribution to asthma suffers and the super-morbidly obese, who with their deep breathing have double the risk of airborne infection. Next in line were women as they tend to talk more than men. Next were men, and finally children because of their reduced lung capacity and shorter height. Apart from saliva, the question on everybody’s lips is “How long until this is over?”
posted by Matt @ 20:50
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