Apocalypse how?

From: jeremy@afterlife.net
To: gail@afterlife.net
Subject: Current plans

Hi Gail,
Further to last week’s meeting, thought you guys and gals in human resources would appreciate having a glimpse of the provisional timetable for ‘The End’. Can you have a look over it and let me know any potential problems? Don’t want 6,000 years of planning to be wasted because of some logistical hiccup.

Day 1
10:00 Meteorite strikes Peru.
11:00 Tidal waves and earthquakes destroy 2/3rds of world.
12:00 Release four horsemen to wreak havoc.
13:00 Seven-headed beast emerges from ocean.
13:30 Earth cleared, chairs stacked away.
16:00 Afterlife registration desk opens.
18:00 Introductory talk and welcome.
19:00 Bar opens.
20:00 Disco and karaoke.
23:30 Lights out.

Day 2
07:00 Morning jog.
08:00 Breakfast.
09:30 Group photo.
10:00 Judgement (surnames A-G)
12:00 Buffet lunch.
13:00 Judgement (surnames H-P)
14:45 Tea/Coffee break.
15:00 Judgement (surnames Q-Z)
17:00 Depart to final destination.

Best wishes,
Jeremy (Strategic planner)

……………………………………………………………………

From: gail@afterlife.net
To: jeremy@afterlife.net
Subject: Crowd control

Dear Jeremy,
Sorry about the delayed response, been off with a touch of flu. Thanks for the ‘heads up’ on the plans. I’m assuming the times are GMT. It is all very exciting, I can’t wait. Can you put me, Di, Spiller and Viv down for a karaoke song or two?

As far as I can tell, the big issue is recruiting the stewards for the registration and judgment process. Suggest we put out an advert this month – will beat the graduate recruitment rush! Will devise a recruitment strategy ASAP. Been twiddling my thumbs a bit recently, will be nice to work on something big again. Thinking the seven-headed beast’s ocean entrance could be a big selling point, perhaps an Ursula Andress style poster. How about the tag line: “Final year student? The End is in sight.”? A bit cheesy I know, but students love that kind of thing.

Finding actors to play the roles of the Horsemen shouldn’t be a problem. Don’t think we need to bother with Equity members. Not really my department, but was wondering if we need to make any special welfare provisions for the horses, i.e. vets, water and sugar lumps?

Have you thought about security issues? There could be a few disappointed and angry people that need to be controlled post judgment. For this, I’d recommend throughout proceedings having a high angel presence in full regalia (including those cute little light up hats they wear). Then hold a few legions as backup for dealing with any troublemakers or atheists.
love and kisses,
Gail (Human resources)

……………………………………………………………………

From: jeremy@afterlife.net
To: gail@afterlife.net
Subject: Horses and H-bombs

Hi Gail,
Thanks for that, hope you’re feeling much better. I don’t think the horse issue will be an issue. In the past for big events we’ve used donkeys, and there hasn’t been a problem. Can you liaise with Security about what’s needed for crowd control? Would do it myself but the astronomers are being inept and have lost sight of the meteorite. How it’s possible to lose an object the size of Birmingham is beyond me. Bit of a panic over here. Timing is critical and we can’t afford a tech-rehearsal. Might have to resort to the slightly less dramatic backup plan of using H-bombs strapped to the Red Arrows.

Of course, soon as he heard about this, Satan was knocking on my office door again. According to him, the Red Devil parachute display team would be far superior. Don’t think he realizes how heavy thermo-nuclear bombs are though. The guy is a real pain, not only has he lost my stapler but now he keeps sending me emails with invites to join his fantasy football World Cup league. Got more important things to do and he knows it. Thankfully, not long before he gets crushed though.
Best wishes,
Jeremy