Wax

Science rules
A recent study by clever biologists has revealed the connection between two long standing scientific connundrums:

1. Where do candles go when they are burnt?
2. How do bees fly when its aerodynamically impossible?

Peter Scapley from Oxford smugly explains "The link is wax. Candles are made from wax and bees manufacture wax in their tiny hexagonal homes [hives]." The biology boffin recently discovered during a series of experiments that bees have found a way to harvest wax directly from the air. The wax is burnt off from candles and released into the atmosphere. "Even cavemen know insects are attracted to flames," Scapley continues, "it was my genius that realised the insects were in the process of wax collecting."

Flight of the bumble bee
Everybody knows that bees cannot fly in theory. Observational evidence of flight has always been put down to sheer luck or clever hoaxes. Now it seems, or so Scapley theorises, that because hot air rises and hot air comes from candles then a candle harvesting beast can harness this upward convection current. Everybody's a winner!

However Scapley has his opponents. George Funkhaust from Colchester Zoo expressed his strong opinion on East Anglia FM (104.8): "The guy is a loony. Bonkers. Bees make honey not wax. Honey is certainly not going help in any aerodynamic lubrication as its sticky, I should know. Honey is for toast not flight." The Oxford born Scapley countered in a follow up interview that: "George [Funkhaust] is a sad little man who spends his days shovelling elephant poo. Bees are totally different from the dumbos he looks after."

Crocodile attack

I’ve just eaten my wife. That’s not quite true as it was last week, and I didn’t eat her. A crocodile did. So why did I say that I ate her? Well I feel responsible for the crocodile. That’s not strictly true as I’m not responsible for the crocodile, its wild. You can see that in his eyes – very wild eyes.

They call it a safari, a trip of a lifetime. I call it a bloody mess, screams and crunching – very violent. The safari was meant to be a treat for my wife, not a treat for the croc. Bad croc. Down croc.

She was called Heather, my wife that is, not the croc. Never found out what he was called. Reptiles like their anonymity. When I say Heather was my wife, that’s a little white lie again, we had never met and our children are just a figment of my imagination.

Why did the crocodile attack? Solomon the tour guide said the croc was hungry. Why was the croc hungry? Solomon said that he hadn’t eaten. I presumed he meant the croc not himself as only an hour before I saw him eat a Kit Kat. The croc hadn’t eaten so he was hungry and therefore ate my fictitious wife to stop being hungry. Solomon said that this hunger-eating cycle is continual and keeps on going.

We shot the croc, I tried to stop it but the bullet was too fast for me to catch up. Bullets move very fast. When I said ‘we shot’, I really meant ‘I shot’ as Solomon didn’t exist either. It was just me, the croc and the random woman I’d kidnapped at gunpoint. Did I say ‘kidnapped’? I shouldn’t have, as that’s actually the truth. You understand right?

What’s next? The future I guess. Don’t know what will happen, I’m sure something will though, it always does. Things have a tendency to happen, whether you like it or not. Anyone know where the zoo exit is, I’m guessing it will be near the gift shop.