Putting U in the future (Part 2)

Futurology is good science because you can make money doing it, and you can be wrong when you’re rich. This reporter (me) has been given the opportunity of watching one of the world’s leading futurology experts and TV’s ‘Changing Runes’ presenter do his thing. For 3 years, Langley Moor based Voltrolox (aka Nigel Fletcher) has been running his CORGI registered clinic Mumbo Jumbo. Celebrities like Paris Hilton, Cheryl from Girls Aloud and the drummer from The Police have not visited him. This ‘fly on the wall’ reporter has been noting down notes about what he has seen, heard and smelt.


09:00 Voltrolox begins the day by preparing star charts for his clients. A good star chart needs at least three different coloured felt tip pens, a ruler and looks complicated. Star alignment is a crucial diagnostic tool for the futurologist as it is very helpful.

09:03 Parallel to the astrological action, V attempts to top up his psychic vitamin levels with a bowl of Cornflakes and a yellow banana. Going to the fridge, V discovers to his horrorfication that Tracy Higson, his receptionist, has neglected to restock the semi-skimmed milk. Tracy used to work at the vet’s next door until a mix up with a castration appointment got her the chop. V and Tracy have a love/hate relationship: they both hate each other and it shows.

09:11 After 22 minutes of ranting about that “flat chested and hairy working class imbecile”, V calms down enough to go across the road to Somerfield for more milk. Forgetting to take his saver card just compounds his annoyance into a spherical ball of negative energy.

09:19 Back at the clinic, the kettle beginning to boil, V’s angry ball has begun to cool down and unboil. Not for long though, as a sweaty and breathless Tracy bursts through the door with a 1pt bottle of milk, muttering to herself something about zebra crossings and the Highway Code. V’s angry ball is back.

09:22 The nasty atmosphere is popped by the first phone call of the day. At the other end of the line is an agitated Chu Forsyth from Brandon. He has lost his car keys, and needs V’s help to locate them in time for an important job interview. Banana in hand, V swings into action like a demented monkey and grabs the phone off Tracy. In the past, futurologists would never give a reading over the phone line as a psychic connection couldn’t be made. Since the introduction of fibre optic cables and i-Ching matrices at the exchange, the psychic chi now flows down the phone line unhindered by the chat.







When locating hidden objects V uses a combination of Psychometry and common sense. After a 3 second chi exposure, with 125% accuracy V pinpoints Chu’s raincoat pocket as the keys location. Chu becomes the first happy customer of the day.

10:30 When V was blackmailed to take on Tracy by the local Jobcentre Plus, part of the arrangement was that she had to undertake a National Vocational Qualification (NVQ) in Future Management. At the end of the month, an external assessor will externally assess Tracy’s underpinning knowledge, understanding and work-based performance to make sure she can demonstrate competence in the workplace. Tracy is worried about this as she is incompetent. And so the next hour of the day is dedicated to Tracy’s training in chi location and psychometry techniques. Objects that have a strong emotional attachment are the easiest to locate and/or find. Thus V removes Tracy’s asthma inhaler from her handbag and hides it somewhere on the high street. It is in Tracy’s interest to search quickly, but not too quickly as running around could have tragic consequences.

11:30 With an empty reception desk, it is V’s job to welcome his first scheduled client, Lorna Laplace. The mildly attractive 19 year old thinks she has found Mr Right, but wants to check out the future before getting too committed. Couples matched using futurology are 42% more likely to stay together after 5 months. If you’re 42 times as likely to stay together, that's got to have good stuff in it. V offers a colour aura match service to check for any partner colour clashes which can result in arguments, impotency and mental spasmatations.

To view aura (mental sweat) there are two choices: an expensive pair of gamma-ray glasses, or thoughtography. In the latter technique, the patient concentrates megatastically hard before having their photo taken by a modified digital camera (V prefers to use the Canon EOS 350D). Lorna emanates a subtle hue of peach melba and smells much better than Tracy does. Her Mr Right (Darren Fudge) couldn’t make the consultation due to a fork lift truck driving exam. Instead, he sent in a lock of his hair that was cut whilst he was watching “Who wants to be a millionaire?” Dissolving the hair in warm water, the solution is placed into an electronic aurometer (Dulux 8900-LX). As the answer “lilac bud” pops up on screen, Lorna’s lips begin to quiver. 12 seconds later she is crying. Sadly Darren is not for her, she text-dumps him immediately.

12:30 As a crestfallen Lorna leaves, she passes a triumphant Tracy taking a few well earned puffs at the reception desk. The inhaler was ironically hidden under a plastic charity guide-dog outside the butchers. The phone rings and is answered by Tracy: “Good morning. Mumbo Jumbo’s – we put U in the future. How can I help you? … Who’s calling please? … No, I can’t tell you. Goodbye!” The clinic averages two prank calls a day, probably from students.

13:00 Lunch time - not much happens in the clinic when no one is there.

14:05 Tracy is (metaphorically) running late again. When V returns from watering his mother’s dead plants, he is annoyed to find his next client, Graeme Tweedale, waiting on the doorstep. Graeme is a nervous little man with no sense of humour or fashion. Paranoia has gripped him ever since he suspected he had it. This week, he wants to know when he will die. Fortunately for futurologists, the government has already answered this. At the age of 15, every child has a tuberculosis (TB) vaccination to prevent Britain turning into a third world country. During the procedure, sub-atomic particles of DNA are secretly removed for radioactive half-life measurement. From this and the child’s IQ, an estimate of life span is calculated. It is no coincidence that shortly after the ‘vaccination’ each child is issued with a National Insurance number. Ignoring the letters used as camouflage, the middle 6 numbers represent the person’s life expectancy in days.

15:00 Graeme leaves the clinic to enjoy his remaining 127.5 days. Over a tea time debrief, Tracy’s punctuality and milk problems are dealt head on by V’s intercity train approach. Lots of words were said, they still hate each other, but Tracy will now be punctual or else. V goes home satisfied. He has helped lots of people, made two women cry without touching them and, most importantly, earned himself £240. Not a bad day’s work.


Disclaimer – Futurology is a tool and interpretations may vary. Your future could be harmful to your health. Mumbo Jumbo Futurology and durham21 accept no responsibility for any loss, injury or bad marriages that may result.