FUN-damental physics (1)

Why does water boil at a lower temperature when up a mountain?
First let’s cover what occurs during boiling. When water (H2O) is heated up, the hot energy supplied breaks the chemically homophobic bonds. The released oxygen puffs up into the atmosphere in the form of steam. The liberated liberal hydrogen is teeny weeny and escapes unnoticed without being spotted or seen. Water being one of the shyest of elements finds performing in public difficult. The eyes of scrutiny inhibit the boiling process, leading to the axiom of fact: “A watched pot never boils.” However, in isolation water sheds her inhibitions (and hydrogen). Tall mountains are isolated as well as isosceles triangles. On the snowed capped peak away from prying eyes, and hence lower pressure, the water can perform the boil dance.

Why do you get drunk quicker at higher altitudes?
You don’t! The light headed feeling associated with alcohol is replicated by the dual combination of lower pressure and being further away from gravity.

Why is the sky blue?
When colour was first invented in 1944 a compromise with physical law was negotiated – namely colour conservation. It’s very democratic as all colours have to be equally represented. When switched on, the sun is an extremely bright orange object. To achieve colour conservation it therefore has to be surrounded by a pale blue object which we called the sky. The sky also has the added benefit of stopping the earth’s atmosphere from escaping or collapsing in on us.

Is there any truth in Chicken Licken’s rumours?
Prof. Licken is a respected scientist who has made a significant contribution to human knowledge. However on this occasion he made an embarrassing error by mistaking high voltage power cables for cracks in the sky. I’d like to reassure the public that the sky is still working at 100% capacity.

What are rainbows made of?
The clue is in the name. Rainbows are made from rain. Rain comes from water. Water comes from rivers. Rivers flow down from mountains. And at the top of the mountain is a big kettle boiling away with drunken students dancing around singing Travis.

Why does it always rain on me?
Yes.

Bird Flu over the cuckoo's nest

Madness strikes the DH1 3-- postcode region as bird flu lands in the UK. Veterinary tests performed by vets have confirmed that a dead heron found on land at Ustinov College was infected by the deadly HBU7QT2 viral strain. The well traveled psychopathogen was first discovered in China as Avian Influenza, this later mutated to Bird Influenza in Thailand before metamorphosing into the significantly smaller Bird Flu in Turkey. From that point it has flapped its way across Europe, and it was only a matter of time before it nested in the UK. Bio-scientists predict a pandemic epidemic amongst humans if the virus becomes abbreviated to Flu. And so for the last few months Britain has been laying eggs each time a dead bird or duck was discovered. According to the RSPB, who have been observing with their beady eyes, these deaths have been due to “electricity cables, air guns, transparent windows, cats, aerial dog fights, fowl play and natural causes.”

However, at a rushed and crushed emergency press conference, DEFRA’s unofficial (and soon to be unemployed) spokesman Roger Urquhart said: “Fears were unfounded until we found the dead heron. It is now right to join with me in a controlled panic.” And panic we did. Within hours, South Road and surrounding Durhill were a busy bee hive of activity. Van Mildert College led the way by accelerating existing plans to have a mass duck cull on the lake. Guns were deemed to be too inefficient and loud, and therefore a giant yellow digger was used to pulverise the lake life. Slaughter of the postgraduate students who first discovered the heron was deemed illegal under law. Instead the door code of Elvet Riverside’s postgrad study centre was changed to 07734, to prevent unwanted undergrad-postgrad mixing.

Britain’s spirit in the face of adversity was in evidence as blame was quickly and arbitrarily established. A mob of disgruntled citizens accompanied by placards soon surrounded the emergency HQ erected on the Science site. In the words of protestor Anna Falactic: “I’m in shock. The RSPB are meant to protect us from the birds, right? Well the other day I spotted a blue tit in my garden, obviously the birds have escaped from the RSPB’s custody. I haven’t trusted the organisation since my car radio got nicked at Snettisham nature reserve.” The full brunt of the crowd’s naïve anger and a breezeblock were unleashed on a passing geology lecturer who bore a striking resemblance to Bill Oddie. The breezeblock soon removed the resemblance and teeth of the professor.

To quell the unrest, a public meeting was given by a watery eyed and hoarse voiced Roger Urquhart: “The doubly airborne virus can be avoided by not catching it. As Alfred Hitchcock still hasn’t returned my call, I’ve asked the RSPB to suggest ways to control and ultimately recapture all birds. An important step in this process is to reduce the birds’ superpower of flight which gives them the upper hand/wing over us mere mortals.” A number of options to keep birds from taking off were presented via PowerPoint including: a network of nets, floating scarecrows and a temporary increase in the local gravity field. From the back of the room a heckle was raised: “You’re not going to fiddle with my little g, thank you very much. If you ask me (and you haven’t) the best solution is self-destructing tigers with an insatiable appetite for birds.” This idea was deemed silly.

The local residents and unlocal students left the meeting safe in the knowledge that the governing authorities have lots of ideas. On the way out, essential supplies and Vitamin C tablets were distributed to prevent mass public infectation. A shortage of bio-gas masks led to the unprecedented decision to prioritise distribution to asthma suffers and the super-morbidly obese, who with their deep breathing have double the risk of airborne infection. Next in line were women as they tend to talk more than men. Next were men, and finally children because of their reduced lung capacity and shorter height. Apart from saliva, the question on everybody’s lips is “How long until this is over?”